Are They Gaslighting Me?

Are They Gaslighting, Love Bombing or Hoovering?

"That never happened. Have you taken your meds?"

"You're crazy. That's not what happened."

"I only told you that you were fat because I would hate you to let yourself go."

"I never told you that."

"You're too sensitive. I was only joking."

Are you often thinking your mind is playing tricks on you? Are you starting to question your own sanity or losing your memory? If any of the above statements sound familiar, you are likely the victim of gaslighting. It's an emotional abuse tactic that can leave you unsure about yourself, others, and life in general. Counselling can help you understand what you are experiencing, set boundaries and reach a decision about the relationship which feels right for you.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an actual, intentional, and serious form of emotional, psychological abuse. It is a psychological manipulation tactic someone uses to control and manipulate a victim by making them doubt their memories, perception of reality and judgments.

It can occur in romantic, platonic and family relationships – or even at work.

How Does It Begin?

A relationship with a gaslighter may seem to start out quite well. They may praise you on a first date and very quickly confide in you. This tactic is known as 'love bombing'. Once you become fully engaged, you become vulnerable and the next phase of manipulation often begins.

Common Gaslighting Techniques

• They blatantly lie to you with a straight face.
• They attack things important to you — your job, family, friends.
• They deny their bad behaviour and insist that you misunderstood or are remembering incorrectly.
• Their actions don't match their words.
• They target your insecurities to make you feel weak about yourself.
• They spread rumours and portray themselves as the victim to others.
• They can't stand criticism themselves and take it as a personal attack.
• They project on you — accusing you of what they themselves are doing.
• They manipulate your relationships through isolation or groupthink.
• They confuse you with sudden kindness to distract from bad behaviour.
• They wear you down until you give up arguing or defending yourself.

Signs You Are A Victim Of Gaslighting

• You constantly second guess yourself.
• You wonder if you are just overly sensitive or too hormonal.
• You create excuses for the gaslighter's behaviour.
• You stop trusting your own judgement and recollection of events.
• You start to wonder if you are losing your memory or going 'crazy.'

What Is "Hoovering"?

When you try to leave the gaslighting relationship, they may use the 'hoovering' tactic which involves excessive praise, expressions of love, showers of compliments and fervent promises of changes in the relationship. Unfortunately, old habits resurface quickly once you commit to staying. Their goal is to always keep you locked in to their control.

What Can You Do To Stop Being A Victim?

• Stand firm and don't let their denials cloud your thinking.
• Remember you are not responsible for someone else's behaviour. It is not your fault.
• Trust your own judgment and believe in yourself.
• Acknowledge your feelings are real.
• Remind yourself you deserve to be respected and supported.
• If someone displays a pattern of behaviour, trust the pattern.
• Set clear boundaries and expect them to be respected.
• Document what is occurring so you can help track the reality.
• Ask someone independent and trusted if they think you are being manipulated.
• Realise you will never win an argument with this person or get an apology.
• Limit contact with the gaslighter. Consider ending the relationship if they refuse to change.

If you still feel blocked in implementing these strategies, please reach out to our trained team of psychologists and counsellors. If you feel unsafe because of someone's controlling behaviour, seek assistance from the police or call 000 if it is an emergency.